Snakes & Stones: The first Production meeting

It is always very exciting when the first production meeting for a play happens.  New beginnings and all that.  The title Syberluv has progressed to Snakes & Stones  And theworking byline:  "Snakes & Stones may break your bones, but love will surely kill you"  A Murmance (Murder Romance).

I have the great opportunity to work with Jen McGregor and the Tightlaced Theatre Crew.  Jen has brought Affectable Acting to Scotland, and we'll will use this method while working on Snakes & Stones.  Keep watching this blog, as there will be some VERY interesting things going on!

Feeling pretty in a Fat-Girl Suit.

I didn't want to post this, as it smacks too much of the Whining Fat Girl, but I felt that I must for my own sake, so just chalk this up to Liberty's rant for the month.  To some, reading about body image issues is a snore:  "Seriously people get over yourselves, go on a fuckin' diet, move your sorry fat ass and you'll do fine."  And yeah, to some degree the above mentioned assholes would be right.  But what happens when you do all of that and you are still extra large?

 I can look in the mirror and I am pleased. Face is pleasing to the eye, good skin, great cheek bones, gobble free (the skin/fat below the chin). You know that phrase 'Butter Face'?  (Great legs, but her face), I have what I would call 'Butter legs'.  When I look at the rest of it, my good feelings deflate like a michelin tire losing air. At 250 pounds, 5'6" tall, I am way past big boned. I lose all of my self confidence. All of a sudden, the fact that I have an amazing family life, successful business, amazing friends, a successful play, am a good actress - ALL goes out the window and I start feeling like the gum on the bottom of my shoe.


I can hear my friends and loved ones saying "Ridiculous, Liberty, you ARE beautiful, Society just has a fucked up sense of beauty! Don't let them make you feel this way!" And I agree with all of this. Society's concept of beauty IS fucked up, seriously. All the articles online that show 10 year old children as the ideal image to attain is just plain wrong.  A friend of mine who is willow thin just took a test and was informed that she was too big to be a plus sized model. If you saw this woman you would agree that it's all messed up. Years ago, a friend of mine who I admired as the epitome of beauty - svelte, gorgeous cheek bones, small ass - decided to take a break from modelling - she was a model for International Vogue, Elle, etc. When she went back, they informed her that she had to lose 20lbs. From where, I couldn't figure out. It angered me then, and it still pisses me off.

I work out - at least two hours a day of walking/biking. I eat well, lots of salads, low fat, no sugar, blah blah blah. I don't drink very often and try to not snack very much, (but hey, any snacking is snacking).  I've been on countless diets. I just finished one, where I lost 10.5 pounds in one month. And then immediately put on 3 pounds the next week. I've probably lost and gained over 300 pounds in my adult life. Kinda scary. I've cried, sweated, obsessed, and starved myself all these years, and not made a bit of difference.  I've had all the blood tests, stress tests.  Nothin'.

I just saw a video about a Man from Australia who has no arms or legs, just a little flipper at the bottom of his torso. He smiles into the camera, and tells us we are special, we are beautiful, and we are capable. I would say he's the beautiful and special one. I must be a stupid idiot, sitting here, cryng in my fat suit. So I'm going to shut the hell up, and try even harder.

So what have I been doing wrong?
1.) Not eating is the first wrong doing. I have been starving myself for so long, and then bingeing for a week before my 'time', consuming all of my calories in that one week then in the previous 3 weeks combined.  We can go without alcohol, sugar, white flour, but we would be stupid to go without eating.  Kinda up there with going without air.

2.) Not drinking enough water. I am dehydrated, and it leaves me exhausted, and my body unable to process anything properly. I don't sleep properly because of it, and then my body doesn't get a chance to heal at night.

3.) Not enough sleep. But this is tied in with the dehydration thing. If I don't get at least 8 hours, I'm a rotten monster bitch from Venus, and I crave carbs.

4.)  And most importantly, WHAT I'VE DONE WRONG:  I've spent so much time worrying about what other people think about my weight, that I've lost out on so much of life.   Think about all the amazing books I could have read, and instead bought diet books about 'Stop the Insanity!'  Think of all the money I could have saved instead of buying Diet books, scales, etc.  All the time I wasted on that stuff is a sin in my eyes!   I may be beautiful.  I may not be.  But in the end, it will not make one bit of difference to anyone.  They'll be happy that I've stopped whining about my weight, and that will be it. No more.  Done.  Finished.

What if??

We save our photos digitally to save them from fire, fading, water damage, but what would happen if there was no more electricity?  What would happen to our pasts, our memories of people and childhood?  There would be no more hardcopy.  We would be thrown back to a time when we relied on our ancestors stories, recollections, and exaggerations of times gone by, of the fish that was let go.  Would we panic as each memory faded?  Would we rush to have paintings made of our dead Mothers and Fathers and siblings and old lovers?  Would we wail and moan about our loss of history, and use this as an excuse to kill others for making us lose our past?  We are in a age where things are done for us, and if there was no electricity, would we simply start to fade ourselves?  First a leg, then an arm, then perhaps our senses – sense of smell, taste, those senses linked to memory  – like in PerfectSense, where only love survives in the end.  Devastating to think about.

The dangers of Drunk Facebooking

When I first went on facebook, I went on a mad friend search.   ‘Drunk Facebooking.’    A very, very bad habit, which can end up being embarrassing for both parties involved. because I found (and very quickly deleted) old school mates.  Some of those folk were horrid little creatures in school, who found every opportunity to make me feel like a toad.  But when I've had 5 rum and cokes, I tend to forgive even the most vile of said creatures.  And I tend to forget that I was also a horrid little creature when I find the ex-boyfriends (who broke up with me for a very good reason...).   Take Diana* for example.  In high school she was a beautiful girl (still is), very popular, fantastic grades - the kind of girl that an under achievers' parents would compare her to.  Donna found every opportunity to remind me that I had braces and zits and oily hair, and really bad fashion sense, and two left feet (puberty is a bitch).  Very astute, that girl, but a real mean cow.  One night, after my 4th rum and coke, I found Diana.  Instead of continuing on, I hesitated.  Bad idea.  All the emotions from School came rushing in, and I was forced to get another Rum and Coke.  Which then induced me to click on 'friend request'.  Perhaps she'd like me now that I've got it going on.  The zits are gone, the hair looks great, and I can finally two-step after some intense instruction.  What the hell was I thinking!    Guilt trips, embarassing memories, practical jokes, and outright anger - I'm afraid to Drunk Facebook now as my past comes up and bites me in the the virtual ass.

So say no to Drunk Facebooking - it’s acceptable when you are younger, but as a Married Woman with 2 children, it just smacks of desperation.  I should start up a Facebook page called MADF (You figure that one out)!

I have a friend who has a little over 1800 FB friends!  Insane!  And he actually holds conversations with alot of them.  I don’t know how he keeps track between 1 Dave and another Dave.  Are these friends really friends?  Would it be better to call them Facebook Aquaintences?  Although I would imagine someone might get insulted if the person they thought highly of relegated them to FB Aquaintance Status.  On FB you can have a thousand best friends and never have to worry about the fact that they would probably have something much more important to do if you needed help moving that sofa into your new flat.  It would be devestating wouldn't it, to find out that your thousand FB friends actually don't like you and don't want to hurt your feelings.

I kind of worry about what would happen if Technology crashed.  What would I do without my iPhone!?  What would I do in the mornings if I couldn't check my FB and emails and Twitter!  I would start getting the shakes and gitters!  It reminds me of the movie Johnny Mnemonic , where people are suffering from 'Nerve Attenuation Syndrome" and they get the shakes from information overload.  Perhaps I should start up another Facebook Page - "Hello, my name is Liberty and I'm an iPhone addict."

*Obviously NOT her real name

Breaking up online

Perhaps the worst thing about trying to have a long distance relationship online (either with a Mother, or a lover, or a friend)  is the fact that you don’t know how real the other person’s endearments are.  I can call friends and family 'darling', 'sweetie', and really mean it, but how does I know if I’m being given the runaround so to speak?  Why should I even care? And the disagreements that can happen online can be devestating, because you just never know if the person is 'yelling' while they are typing, or just being matter of fact.  Arguments can me misconstrued, when not held face to face.   

Case in point, the argument with a old friend of mine.  Close enough that we called each other sisters.  She didn’t understand what I was trying to say.  I thought I was being so succinct and generous and she ‘heard’ it differently.  She got enaged, and didn't tell me.  And because I heard of her engagement on FB second hand rather than her telling me to my face, I was so very hurt.  I felt that she should have called me.  I should not have happened to glance at her profile and seen ‘engaged’ in her profile.  It still drives me mental thinking about it.  The argument that ensued was bitter and almost to the point of viciousness.  She broke my heart, but she couldn't see my face to see it, and I was too proud/stubborn to tell her in print.  We agreed to disagree (in print), but we didn't really forgive.  It festered, and when we argued face to face the next time, it all came spewing forth and we fell apart. We are now 'divorced' (perhaps a good way to say it).  And I think that it is partially our 'internet' argument that's to blame (plus my pride, her stubborness, blah blah blah).  I miss her every day.

iHeart my iPhone

The play that I am working on has the title of 'Syberluv'. Working title, as I am not cotent with it. I am exploring the world of cyber relationships, how the internet has affected our relationships. I look at how I use my iPhone, and how much of a hold it has on me. iLove my iPone. Pathetic, isn't it? But it is oh, so much fun.

I sleep with my iPhone next to my head. It’s my alarm clock, my period tracker, my weight tracker, weather forecaster, FB, Email, Yahoo, Twitter, Bus Tracker. And my Cat – tom the cat, my news caster, flashlight, level, ebay, tesco shopper, gps, scheduler, ibooks, recipe book, internet, calendar maps, and oh yeah, my telephone. I love playing with ring tones, currently it's Yoda telling me that there is a message from the Dark Side. I don’t know what I’d do without it. I’d be bereft. Like a constant friend or a loyal dog. It sees the inside of my bra probably more than my husband does! I don’t feel lonely when I’m connected to it = I am connected to people through FB, Twitter, and LinkedIn, email.

What about the relationships I have through my iPhone? I will LOL somebody 5 minutes before I am due to meet up with them in person. (Actually I hate LOL will actually write Laughing out Loud rather than shorten it- that's another thing to explore: Why do I hate ROTFL and LOL and TTYL and other acronyms?)

So are the relationships I have on FB real? Are they just as N.B. on FB as they are in real life? Is LOL just as valid as laughing with the person in the same room together? Ever notice that relationships on FB are so intense? Is living in cyberspace still living?

Intention

I have been inspired by my friend John, who has set an intention and is going about trying to fulfill said intention. I like that. I find I don't set enough goals for myself, or if I do, I let myself off the hook faaaar too often. Not cool. I figure if I make my intentions public, I won't be so quick to let myself off said hook (although this hasn't always worked in the past). So I will state my intention:

I will sit down for a minimum of 20 minutes every day for 20 days to work on my new play. If I can go longer, I will.

I'm finding that it's not writing itself. I have some fantastic ideas, but I let them slip out of my brain as fast as they slip in. 20 minutes might not seem like very long, but it is an eternity when there aren't dishes to be washed, family laundry to be done, homework to be read, fevers to ease. I wouldn't give this all up for a bajillion bucks, but it means that Liberty the Artist only gets to raise her little head for 20 minutes a day. Better than nothing.

Perhaps I'm afraid of failing at this one? It will be a bigger undertaking, taking on another actor, maybe two. Do I pull in the director early, during the devising stage, or do I write it all and maintain creative control. I like the control part - I'm a bit OCD when it comes to that.

I managed to overcome the fear of doing the last show. I can certainly do it again.