Feeling pretty in a Fat-Girl Suit.

I didn't want to post this, as it smacks too much of the Whining Fat Girl, but I felt that I must for my own sake, so just chalk this up to Liberty's rant for the month.  To some, reading about body image issues is a snore:  "Seriously people get over yourselves, go on a fuckin' diet, move your sorry fat ass and you'll do fine."  And yeah, to some degree the above mentioned assholes would be right.  But what happens when you do all of that and you are still extra large?

 I can look in the mirror and I am pleased. Face is pleasing to the eye, good skin, great cheek bones, gobble free (the skin/fat below the chin). You know that phrase 'Butter Face'?  (Great legs, but her face), I have what I would call 'Butter legs'.  When I look at the rest of it, my good feelings deflate like a michelin tire losing air. At 250 pounds, 5'6" tall, I am way past big boned. I lose all of my self confidence. All of a sudden, the fact that I have an amazing family life, successful business, amazing friends, a successful play, am a good actress - ALL goes out the window and I start feeling like the gum on the bottom of my shoe.


I can hear my friends and loved ones saying "Ridiculous, Liberty, you ARE beautiful, Society just has a fucked up sense of beauty! Don't let them make you feel this way!" And I agree with all of this. Society's concept of beauty IS fucked up, seriously. All the articles online that show 10 year old children as the ideal image to attain is just plain wrong.  A friend of mine who is willow thin just took a test and was informed that she was too big to be a plus sized model. If you saw this woman you would agree that it's all messed up. Years ago, a friend of mine who I admired as the epitome of beauty - svelte, gorgeous cheek bones, small ass - decided to take a break from modelling - she was a model for International Vogue, Elle, etc. When she went back, they informed her that she had to lose 20lbs. From where, I couldn't figure out. It angered me then, and it still pisses me off.

I work out - at least two hours a day of walking/biking. I eat well, lots of salads, low fat, no sugar, blah blah blah. I don't drink very often and try to not snack very much, (but hey, any snacking is snacking).  I've been on countless diets. I just finished one, where I lost 10.5 pounds in one month. And then immediately put on 3 pounds the next week. I've probably lost and gained over 300 pounds in my adult life. Kinda scary. I've cried, sweated, obsessed, and starved myself all these years, and not made a bit of difference.  I've had all the blood tests, stress tests.  Nothin'.

I just saw a video about a Man from Australia who has no arms or legs, just a little flipper at the bottom of his torso. He smiles into the camera, and tells us we are special, we are beautiful, and we are capable. I would say he's the beautiful and special one. I must be a stupid idiot, sitting here, cryng in my fat suit. So I'm going to shut the hell up, and try even harder.

So what have I been doing wrong?
1.) Not eating is the first wrong doing. I have been starving myself for so long, and then bingeing for a week before my 'time', consuming all of my calories in that one week then in the previous 3 weeks combined.  We can go without alcohol, sugar, white flour, but we would be stupid to go without eating.  Kinda up there with going without air.

2.) Not drinking enough water. I am dehydrated, and it leaves me exhausted, and my body unable to process anything properly. I don't sleep properly because of it, and then my body doesn't get a chance to heal at night.

3.) Not enough sleep. But this is tied in with the dehydration thing. If I don't get at least 8 hours, I'm a rotten monster bitch from Venus, and I crave carbs.

4.)  And most importantly, WHAT I'VE DONE WRONG:  I've spent so much time worrying about what other people think about my weight, that I've lost out on so much of life.   Think about all the amazing books I could have read, and instead bought diet books about 'Stop the Insanity!'  Think of all the money I could have saved instead of buying Diet books, scales, etc.  All the time I wasted on that stuff is a sin in my eyes!   I may be beautiful.  I may not be.  But in the end, it will not make one bit of difference to anyone.  They'll be happy that I've stopped whining about my weight, and that will be it. No more.  Done.  Finished.